Below is a speech I gave at one of my Toastmasters meetings and thought it would be fun to share. I view myself as an expert since I adopted two furry kids — adorable Lhasa Apsos — almost 14 years ago.
So you’re a glutton for punishment! You have convinced yourself you want a dog. But, have you done your homework? Because owning a dog is a 12-20 year commitment to its health and happiness. Yes, you heard me correctly. And, that’s a long, long, long time to commit to anything.
So, when you walk into a pet store and see that cute, cuddly, ball of fur — STOP! Remember. It’s alive. It’s not a stuffed toy. It’s a full-time job. And, its care is outrageously expensive.
Don’t get a dog —
if you can’t tolerate noise. Because dogs will bark at anything and everything, and some seem to just can’t stop yapping. A dog can hear another dog barking a mile away, which can start a domino effect of riotous barking from all dogs in the hearing-range vicinity.
Don’t get a dog —
if the sight, texture, or smell of poop is repugnant to you, because it’s your responsibility — and it’s the law — to scoop the poop, all the poop, each and every day, sometimes twice a day, and all day long if it has diarrhea.
Don’t get a dog —
if you’re afraid of getting bitten, because you must brush its teeth. Okay, go ahead and laugh if you must. But, you won’t be laughing when you get a whiff of its breath. A dog’s breath is funkyyyyyy with a capital F. And all they want to do is lick and slobber all over your face.
NEWSFLASH!!! It costs a minimum of $300 up to a whooping $700 to get a dog’s teeth cleaned.
There are so many selfish reasons narcissistic people convince themselves to get a dog. Are you one of them?
1. The kids: Please mommy please, your kids whine. We’ll take care of Rover, we promise.
2. A woman. I want to see a happy face at the end of a long, hard day at work; not that sourpuss face of my husband.
3. A man. I need a guard dog to protect me and my possessions.
Well, wake up and smell the POOP. It’s not about YOU! Owning a dog is a full-time commitment and a total life transformation. I’ll give you several scenarios out of a possible hundred how your life will be drastically affected.
After a horrible day at work, your coworker invites you to Red, Hot & Blue for their finger-licking barbecue ribs. Before you say yes, say NO.
• Were you cooped up in your cubicle all day?
• Did you take a bathroom break or did you hold it in for 10 hours?
Well Rover was cooped up all day and he needs to go out for a potty walk.
Your friends invite you to Chevy’s happy hour for half-priced, frozen Margharitas. In your mind’s eye you’re hurriedly slurping the yummy lime drink. You quickly and excitedly accept the invitation. Oh no you didn’t! Did you pre-schedule a petsitter? You didn’t? This is not fair you exclaim loudly. Right about this moment, you would welcome a brain freeze from that iced-cold Margharita.
Oh Rover can wait you say. Well, okay — ‘cause Rover has a surprise for you. And it won’t be neatly packaged in a poop bag either.
There is a stranglehold on your life when you own a dog. You see, it’s not about you. Your life, as you know it, no longer revolves around you.
You found a last minute great deal on a seven-day cruise. Not so fast. Have you looked into boarding Rover? It costs a minimum of $60 for an overnight stay in a kennel. That’s $420! You spent that on his teeth cleaning. So that fabulous deal you found — it’s not for YOU! It’s reserved for non-dog owners.
The weekend has finally rolled around. You had planned to sleep in late. Really? GET UP! There are errands to run — Rover needs food. Rover needs a bath. Rover needs shots. Rover, Rover, Rover.
It’s all about that darn dog!
And don’t even think of tying Rover to a tree out back thinking you’ll get some downtime. Because there are dog-loving spies like me lurking. You will hear — Yoo-hoo, yoo-hoo. Yeah, you over there. Is that your dog tied to the tree? Well you’ve got five seconds to untie him before I call the A-S-P-C-A. Five, four, three.
Do you get the picture? Can I make it any clearer?
The dog’s happiness and well-being come first.
It really is all about that darn dog!